How do you know...?

Since graduating from law school, I have realized just how much commitment unnerves me. There were signs of it before the law school graduation, in my restlessness and reluctance to make certain choices about career or life in general. When I graduated from law school, I went to a law firm at which I was actually treated fairly well, especially in comparison to the horror story law firms of some of my fellow law school graduates. However, as time passed, I knew that I just did not want to stay in that line of work, that the thought of being a partner in a law firm was a rather unpleasant thought. However, I could not make a choice about what to do next -- all of a sudden, every possibility raised the question of: "Could I bear doing X for the rest of my life?" No, no, no, no. I thought about running away to the Peace Corps or other exotic service options, yet once faced with the time commitments involved, I could not do it. I resisted any option that required me to be involved for more than 6 months. In all of this, I shifted to another small law firm (which somehow was 20 times worse than the large, corporate hive firm at which I'd started my legal career), to public interest law, and then to graduate school, a holding tank for those whose development is arrested, where I am now. In relationships, too, I had preferred men who could not possibly manage a long-term commitment because they had too many issues. I have a really sweet boyfriend right now, who loves me and whom I love. I hate choices, though, hate the thought of the years and years that could possibly be affected by the little decisions that I am making. I have tried to meditate on these things, think hard and then close my eyes and make myself make a choice, not thinking of the years and years that may be attached to these choices. I hate decisions, even though I know that I am so lucky to be a person in this world who has choices and decisions to make. I'm always wondering, how do you know? how do you know that this is the right thing? how do you know what will happen? You don't know, but you still have to decide.